014 웃 VIDEO

[secretasshole]

[Public, Backdated to Day One of the Flood]

[The differences between David as a robot and David as a human are definitely on the subtler side, but there's something unmistakeably... off about him when he clicks on the video feed. For one thing, his perfect posture is gone - he's slouching a little on the couch in his cabin, with his arms balanced on his thighs, and he looks tired. It's reasonably late at night, and he's not really on board with the whole actually needing to sleep thing.]

I'd like to speak with anyone who's suddenly found themselves in an android's body. If we've truly switched physiologies, there are a few necessary maintenance practices you should be made aware of.

Comments

[mistconduct]

Oh my god no way.


No way.


I wished for you to grow a dick and it happened.


Santa Claus is real.

[secretasshole]

No, he isn't. [And you are being scowled at.]

cw; explicit sexual language, idiot teenagers with no tact

[mistconduct]

Shut up, don't spoil my dream.

Have you jerked off yet? It's cool if you have, you can tell me.

omg help

[secretasshole]

No.

[And he is already considering hanging up again because OMG CHRIS, NO.]

[mistconduct]

Well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Flood's not going to last forever.

Shut the comm off and get to work.

[secretasshole]

I'm not interested in investigating this particular part of being human. [Shooting DNA at each other to make babies... I find that offensive! And all that.]

[mistconduct]

David. It's a big fucking part. Like, it's the prime reason people do the shit they do.

[secretasshole]

I'm aware of that.

[mistconduct]

Aren't you curious about humans? Humans are way curious about androids.

[secretasshole]

I already know enough.

[mistconduct]

You're being a huge pain in the ass for no reason.

[secretasshole]

So are you.

[mistconduct]

Wanting you to experience the awesomeness of jacking off is being a pain in the ass? So sue me if I want good things for my friend. Don't come to me when your balls turn blue and fall off.

[secretasshole]

They won't. But I appreciate the concern.

[mistconduct]

Dude. How do you know you won't like something unless you try it? I'm serious.

[secretasshole]

I'm not human, and I have no desire to be human, or to be more human than I am, usually.

[mistconduct]

Fine. Be that way.

[secretasshole]

I will.

[mistconduct]

Good! I hope you get allergies and vomit up everything you eat!

[secretasshole]

Is there a particular reason you're reacting so badly to this?

[mistconduct]

I'm just not getting why you don't think being human is awesome. I like being human. I think it's great.

[secretasshole]

There are some... interesting qualities of being human, [He likes being able to say whatever he wants without censoring himself.] But I honestly prefer being an android.

[mistconduct]

Why's that?

[secretasshole]

My "brain" is several thousand times more efficient and capable in storing and processing information than even a particularly intelligent human, I have perfect recall, do not need to eat, sleep or breathe, and have a much more limited ability to feel emotion.

And as an android, I am also effectively immortal, and can feel no pain.

[mistconduct]

So...how the fuck are you supposed to ever get out of here if you're emotionally stunted and can't feel pain?